what should you look for

it took me a decade of trying to find
anything I liked enough
to be worthy of a career,
which I could only see defined as
the devotion of the majority of my adult life,
to decide to reject that idea full stop.
what a disgusting scam
to convince entire generations
that the way to fulfillment and happiness
was to devote your life to capitalism

the only thing that defines you
is your existence
so give most of your time to you
laughing with friends
and sharing great meals
listening to rainfall
and breathing in the smell of petrichor
stunning vistas in far off places
and quiet moments on a cozy couch-
whatever makes your soul sing
and your body feel at peace

there is no such thing as a small life
just an empty one


Sometimes it is easy to pretend
all the things that happened to me
actually happened to someone else,
some other person who lived a different life-
that’s how far removed I feel from it now.
There are days this makes me sad,
and I pity that person and grieve for them,
but most often
I find myself grateful they survived,
that they took all those hits and falls and failures
and broke our shackles so that I could fly;
and for their sake I will never stop trying
to touch the sun

the true beauty of white

I like the color white
not the innocence of white flowers or angels
not the brilliance of wedding dresses or crisp fresh snow

No, I prefer deadly shades of white
bright light that painfully blinds you
white hot rage that fills you up from the inside out
the murderous white of waterfalls and whirlpools
the fur of a polar bear stained with a recent catch
the wall of an impenetrable snowstorm
the dead eyes of a deep sea fish
a familiar flash of white in the corner of your eye
shaped like the whisper of a ghost
I like white that’s beautiful because it’s terrifying
the kind that could caress you one moment
and kill you the next
the kind that reminds us how alive we are

you only get one

go outside and fuck up your yard
dig a hole and fill it with seashells
and scatter wildflower seeds with abandon
build a wall with a door that goes nowhere
create secret trails in the woods that lead to buried treasure
and others that lead to nothing at all
spray paint graffiti on your own house
buy mismatched dinnerware and serve a twelve course meal on it
wear a ballgown to the grocery store
and pajamas to a restaurant
roll down a hill and splash into mud
rub the wet dirt all over your arms and legs
and chase laughing neighborhood children like the bog creature you are
it’s easy to forget that you only get one-
one life, one body, one shot-
a single chance to enjoy this world and everything in it
so go outside and fuck up your yard
propriety was made up for society and it’s all bullshit anyway
keep reminding yourself
you only get one

to live like children

I wish we could live as fearlessly as children
to roll down a hill without worrying about sticks or stones
swim in the ocean with no thoughts of jellyfish or drowning
to climb a tree again and never once think
about what would happen if I fell
Getting older has made me smarter and wiser, yes
and I’m grateful for what life has taught me
but what I wouldn’t give
to leave the chains of fear behind
and spend an afternoon bathing in utterly careless freedom

empty lungs

the cold sea swells behind you
and you can barely take a breath before
it crashes down on you once again
all you can do is let the waves push and pull you
scraping your skin against the rocky bottom
the saltwater stinging fiercely
against your already open wounds
but the blood and pain don’t register
because all that matters is fighting
back to the surface to gasp in as much air as you can
before the next crash of dark water
overpowers and overcomes you

cliff side

you’ve been standing here for what feels like a lifetime
the sky is blue and the ocean is blue and maybe your heart is too
you watch the others leap into the sky
limbs flailing as they fall, letting the sea become their safety net
and god, you want to jump too
to give in to the desire to make a decision
the kind that’s exciting and risky and terrifying
the kind that could hurt you or kill you if it goes wrong
but make you feel more alive than you knew you could if it doesn’t
all it would take is a step
either backwards or forwards, just move your feet
you can’t fucking stay up here forever