After a long, sweltering summer
fall whisked in and out
colored leaves the only indication of its passing,
and now we sit at the feet of a long, bitter winter
its shadow casting loneliness on our hearts
What can we do
but put on our softest socks and warmest smiles
and walk through the dark together?
I like the color white
not the innocence of white flowers or angels
not the brilliance of wedding dresses or crisp fresh snow
No, I prefer deadly shades of white
bright light that painfully blinds you
white hot rage that fills you up from the inside out
the murderous white of waterfalls and whirlpools
the fur of a polar bear stained with a recent catch
the wall of an impenetrable snowstorm
the dead eyes of a deep sea fish
a familiar flash of white in the corner of your eye
shaped like the whisper of a ghost
I like white that’s beautiful because it’s terrifying
the kind that could caress you one moment
and kill you the next
the kind that reminds us how alive we are
go outside and fuck up your yard
dig a hole and fill it with seashells
and scatter wildflower seeds with abandon
build a wall with a door that goes nowhere
create secret trails in the woods that lead to buried treasure
and others that lead to nothing at all
spray paint graffiti on your own house
buy mismatched dinnerware and serve a twelve course meal on it
wear a ballgown to the grocery store
and pajamas to a restaurant
roll down a hill and splash into mud
rub the wet dirt all over your arms and legs
and chase laughing neighborhood children like the bog creature you are
it’s easy to forget that you only get one-
one life, one body, one shot-
a single chance to enjoy this world and everything in it
so go outside and fuck up your yard
propriety was made up for society and it’s all bullshit anyway
keep reminding yourself
you only get one
I wish we could live as fearlessly as children
to roll down a hill without worrying about sticks or stones
swim in the ocean with no thoughts of jellyfish or drowning
to climb a tree again and never once think
about what would happen if I fell
Getting older has made me smarter and wiser, yes
and I’m grateful for what life has taught me
but what I wouldn’t give
to leave the chains of fear behind
and spend an afternoon bathing in utterly careless freedom
When there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel
it’s hard not to run toward it with abandon
letting the bright light sear your eyes and ruin your vision
until all you can see
is blissful white nothing
but if you approach with care
and let your eyes adjust slowly
you won’t miss a single thing
and the sight of the world on the other side
will only be blinding in its beauty
the cold sea swells behind you
and you can barely take a breath before
it crashes down on you once again
all you can do is let the waves push and pull you
scraping your skin against the rocky bottom
the saltwater stinging fiercely
against your already open wounds
but the blood and pain don’t register
because all that matters is fighting
back to the surface to gasp in as much air as you can
before the next crash of dark water
overpowers and overcomes you
you’ve been standing here for what feels like a lifetime
the sky is blue and the ocean is blue and maybe your heart is too
you watch the others leap into the sky
limbs flailing as they fall, letting the sea become their safety net
and god, you want to jump too
to give in to the desire to make a decision
the kind that’s exciting and risky and terrifying
the kind that could hurt you or kill you if it goes wrong
but make you feel more alive than you knew you could if it doesn’t
all it would take is a step
either backwards or forwards, just move your feet
you can’t fucking stay up here forever
when everything goes from sixty to zero in a single second
and the world is abruptly peaceful and calm
but your mind is endlessly turning
and your heart is wildly pumping your blood
how do you dissipate so much energy
and wrestle yourself
into stillness
it’s like running as fast as you can toward a brick wall
you see it coming and part of you is screaming stop
knowing you could wrench yourself off the path,
throw your body to the ground and feel your skin ripped apart by dirt and gravel
taking a little pain to avoid a lot
but another part of you is giddy at the thought
that you might break through the fucking wall and keep going,
red dust in your hair and red blood dripping down your face
a broken nose and scraped forearms and bloody knees
it’ll hurt like hell
but maybe it will be worth
what’s on the other side
there’s something about the late night quiet
that seeps into your skin
and fills you up from the inside out
sometimes it makes you burst
and you laugh harder than you knew you could
or you cry easier than you thought you would
and sometimes it opens your mouth
and pushes out words you could never say in daylight
ripping out secrets you swore you’d killed and buried
pushing them without grace into someone else’s hands
in the morning, you are peeled open and raw
the sunshine is too bright
the coffee too bitter
and it doesn’t matter if you laughed or you cried
your chest feels lighter
because part of you
is now missing
Cassie Writes 