what should you look for

it took me a decade of trying to find
anything I liked enough
to be worthy of a career,
which I could only see defined as
the devotion of the majority of my adult life,
to decide to reject that idea full stop.
what a disgusting scam
to convince entire generations
that the way to fulfillment and happiness
was to devote your life to capitalism

the only thing that defines you
is your existence
so give most of your time to you
laughing with friends
and sharing great meals
listening to rainfall
and breathing in the smell of petrichor
stunning vistas in far off places
and quiet moments on a cozy couch-
whatever makes your soul sing
and your body feel at peace

there is no such thing as a small life
just an empty one

you only get one

go outside and fuck up your yard
dig a hole and fill it with seashells
and scatter wildflower seeds with abandon
build a wall with a door that goes nowhere
create secret trails in the woods that lead to buried treasure
and others that lead to nothing at all
spray paint graffiti on your own house
buy mismatched dinnerware and serve a twelve course meal on it
wear a ballgown to the grocery store
and pajamas to a restaurant
roll down a hill and splash into mud
rub the wet dirt all over your arms and legs
and chase laughing neighborhood children like the bog creature you are
it’s easy to forget that you only get one-
one life, one body, one shot-
a single chance to enjoy this world and everything in it
so go outside and fuck up your yard
propriety was made up for society and it’s all bullshit anyway
keep reminding yourself
you only get one


I miss early morning showers, walking through brisk air,

and the first cup of coffee in the office before anyone else gets in.

I miss the hustle of the city, hurrying to catch a train,

laughing with friends while running to get out of an unexpected downpour.

I miss quiet, dirty bars,

with tipsy bartenders and bad karaoke singers in the back.

I miss sunny walks through the park,

seeing endless amounts of dogs and people laying out on blankets.

I miss the city at night,

pools of light on street corners and the soft cooing of sleepy pigeons.

I miss ten minute train delays, waiting too long for an under-baked bagel,

I miss tripping into a puddle and shrieking when my pants get muddy,

I miss the quickening of my heart when I think I’ve lost my metrocard,

I miss the smell of street vendors even though I hate hot dogs,

and I miss the kindness of strangers, the reliance we have on each other.

I miss New York.

I miss my life.